Hitting Rock Bottom

After the first few months of graduating from the University of Wisconsin Milwaukee, I missed out on a handful jobs that were suited for me, I would have been great for, and sounded amazing, but my resume was over looked. I told myself, there will be others and continued living life positively and happily. Its now been a year since graduating and I started to feel myself giving up. My happiness was still there, but I've felt my positivity slipping. 

On a more personal note, I have a  few influenced untraditional rules of dating. Never let your guard completely down, no second chances, date often and never stay single.  Recently broke all of my rules only to find out why I have them. Every single one of my exes has told me some version of the fact that losing me is their biggest regret. I never felt bad, never went back, it was their loss. I never stay single for more than 2 weeks after a break up. Why dwell when I know there is better. As I've recently broken all my rules I am torn. Torn between hating myself,  or adding more strict rules to my list. People tell you when you're at your worst, "Everything happens for a reason." Or "Happiness is not a destination, its a way of life, take the happiness you have remaining to get you through this tough time." My all time favorite is "Ya, that sucks I'm sorry." Its because of these dumbass cliche quotes that I have my rules of dating. I know that even with all my rules, that I am always the best me I can be in a relationship, and I know I'm better than 90% of the crazies (women) out there. 

And now I find that my roommate of 5 years and I are debating on moving out and living separately. This pushes me even further into my black hole of being at rock bottom. Rachel has become like a sister to me and it pains me to think of me living away from her. I know its only natural that we move on with life and move in with different people, just didn't expect it at this already painful time in my life. 

This is me a rock bottom. No sleep, can't eat, exhausted mentally and physically. Its that I've lost my competitive edge because I let my guard down and fell into forgetting all my rules. I usually try not to believe in regrets. However, I do regret the entirety of my last relationship. I wasted a lot of time, and energy for absolutely no reason. I gave up on my competitive self looking for jobs and not taking no for an answer for false sense of happiness with someone who believed me to be worthless. 

In a week or so I will have a new relationship, I will be back to the same unorthodox, yet proven worthy, dating rules I've created and I will be back to taking no for an answer when it comes to jobs. I know I deserve nothing but the best, as I am nothing but great to others. I am consistently putting others before myself, its about time I take change. I need to look out for me as nobody else ever will. Never expected to hit this so-called rock bottom that others have talked about, but I suppose everyone needs to experience it once in their life. I have learned from it and will take away from it what I need to. Stick to your gut, your intuitions about people, and follow your set lifestyle rules. I will start putting myself before others and make my career my main focus. 

Save any negative judgements about my life for yourself, please. I use my blog as a viral journal for you all to read into my heart. So I appreciate any positive criticisms, or any comments to help me push my way out of this rut that I am currently in. I encourage you to follow the words of Walt Whitman "Be curious, not judgmental."